Funny
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Herb Caen on the Past
“I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.” Herb Caen
Fred Allen on Hollywood
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 – 1956)
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Abraham Lincoln on Tact
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 – 1865)
Harlan Ellison’s Funny Quote
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison US science fiction author & screenwriter (1934 – )
An English Professor on Writing
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” An English Professor, Ohio University
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.” Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), “Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince” US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Michel de Montaigne on Silliness
“No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.” Michel de Montaigne French essayist (1533 – 1592)
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)
Mark Twain on Lies
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain
Demetri Martin Funny Quote
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
Lewis Thomas on Language
“The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.” Lewis Thomas US author, biologist, physician (1913 – 1993)
Ellen Goodman on Journalism
“In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.” Ellen Goodman American journalist (1941 – )
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Randall Jarrell on Children
“One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.” Randall Jarrell US author & poet (1914 – 1965)
T. S. Eliot on Humor
“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.” T. S. Eliot British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet (1888 – 1965)
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield US actor & comedian (1921 – 2004)
Sir Alec Issigonis Funny Quote
“A camel is a horse designed by a committee” Sir Alec Issigonis
Ronald Reagan on Government
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Dan Rather on Americans
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.” Dan Rather US television newscaster (1931 – )