Funny
Rita Rudner Funny Quote
“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.” Rita Rudner US comedian
Robert Frost on Work
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost US poet (1874 – 1963)
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous
Cullen Hightower on Knowledge
“Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.” Cullen Hightower
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones
Putt’s Law
“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.” Archibald Putt
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Charles Kuralt on Travel
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” Charles Kuralt
Howard Scott on Business
“Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Howard Scott (1926 – )
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Alice Roosevelt Longworth on Youth
“The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth US author & wit (1884 – 1980)
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Herb Caen on the Past
“I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.” Herb Caen
Fred Allen on Hollywood
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 – 1956)
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Abraham Lincoln on Tact
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 – 1865)
Harlan Ellison’s Funny Quote
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison US science fiction author & screenwriter (1934 – )
An English Professor on Writing
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” An English Professor, Ohio University
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.” Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), “Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince” US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Michel de Montaigne on Silliness
“No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.” Michel de Montaigne French essayist (1533 – 1592)
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)