Funny
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)
Oscar Wilde on Knowledge
“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Peter Ustinov on Humor
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Gian Vincenzo Gravina Cynical Quote
“A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” Gian Vincenzo Gravina (1664 – 1718)
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Mark Twain Cynical Quote on Politics
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.” Alfred North Whitehead English mathematician & philosopher (1861 – 1947)
Robert Copeland on Committees
“To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.” Robert Copeland
Helen Rowland on Marriage
“One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” Helen Rowland (1876 – 1950)
Bob Hope on Money
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope
Gilbert K. Chesterton on Journalism
“Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.” Gilbert K. Chesterton English author & mystery novelist (1874 – 1936)
Will Rogers on Doctors
“The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Mark Twain on Arguments
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain
Jeffery F. Chamberlain on America
“In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.” Jeffery F. Chamberlain
Samuel Johnson Funny Quote
“Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.” Samuel Johnson English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Charles De Gaulle on Politics
“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?” Charles De Gaulle, in “Les Mots du General”, 1962 French general & politician (1890 – 1970)
Edmond de Goncourt on Art
“A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.” Edmond de Goncourt French artist & novelist (1822 – 1896)
Mark Twain on Education
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” Mark Twain
Cullen Hightower on Knowledge
“Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.” Cullen Hightower
Robert Benchley on Quotations
“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.” Robert Benchley US actor, author, & humorist (1889 – 1945)
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Groucho Marx on Books
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 – 1977)
Rita Rudner Funny Quote
“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.” Rita Rudner US comedian
Alice Roosevelt Longworth on Youth
“The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth US author & wit (1884 – 1980)
Oscar Wilde on Business
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1892 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Salvador Dali on Sanity
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.” Salvador Dali Spanish Catalan Surrealist painter (1904 – 1989)
Anonymous on Power
“All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.” Unknown
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Johnny Carson on Politics
“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” Johnny Carson US comedian & television host (1925 – 2005)
Jean Giraudoux on Mediocrity
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” Jean Giraudoux French diplomat, dramatist, & novelist (1882 – 1944)
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Harlan Ellison’s Funny Quote
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison US science fiction author & screenwriter (1934 – )
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.” Scott Adams
Charles Kuralt on Travel
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” Charles Kuralt
Abraham Lincoln on Tact
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 – 1865)
Herb Caen on the Past
“I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.” Herb Caen
Robert Frost on Work
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost US poet (1874 – 1963)
Putt’s Law
“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.” Archibald Putt
An English Professor on Writing
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” An English Professor, Ohio University
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.” Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), “Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince” US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Elbert Hubbard on Journalism
“Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous