Funny
Lyndon B. Johnson on Politics
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read ‘President Can’t Swim’.” Lyndon B. Johnson 36th president of US (1908 – 1973)
Doug Larson on Language
“If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” Doug Larson
Elbert Hubbard on Vacations
“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Robert Benchley on Humor
“Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.” Robert Benchley US actor, author, & humorist (1889 – 1945)
Barry LePatner on Experience
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” Barry LePatner
Nancy Astor on Money
“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.” Nancy Astor British politician (1879 – 1964)
George Orwell on Writing
“In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.” George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language”, 1946 English essayist, novelist, & satirist (1903 – 1950)
Robert Heinlein on Progress
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love US science fiction author (1907 – 1988)
Arnold Schwarzenegger on Movies
“I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun” Arnold Schwarzenegger
Robert Bakker on Taxes
“I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.” Robert Bakker, paleontologist
John Sladek on the Future
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.” John Sladek
Mark Twain on Procrastination
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Jules Renard on Literature
“Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.” Jules Renard (1864 – 1910)
Robert Louis Stevenson on Life
“Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” Robert Louis Stevenson Scottish author (1850 – 1894)
Cullen Hightower on Mistakes
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” Cullen Hightower
Harry S. Truman on Economy
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” Harry S. Truman, in Observer, April 13, 1958 33rd president of US (1884 – 1972)
Leo Rosten on Happiness
“Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.” Leo Rosten US (Polish-born) author (1908 – 1997)
Woody Allen on Life
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
Voltaire on Songs
“Anything too stupid to be said is sung.” Voltaire French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Thomas Szasz Cynical Quote
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) “Social Relations”
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Sam Levenson on Wisdom
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)
Bob Hope on Sports
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” Bob Hope US (English-born) actor & comedian (1903 – 2003)
Ambrose Bierce Cynical Quote
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary US author & satirist (1842 – 1914)
Larry Hardiman on Politics
“The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.” Larry Hardiman
Bertrand Russell on Books
“There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.” Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 – 1970)
Virgil Thomson on Music
“The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish.” Virgil Thomson US composer, conductor, & music critic (1896 – 1989)
Dave Barry on Argument
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.” Dave Barry US columnist & humorist (1947 – )
Bill Watterson on Intelligent Life
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes US cartoonist (1958 – )
A. A. Milne on Disorder
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” A. A. Milne English juvenile author (1882 – 1956)
L. M. Boyd Cynical Quote
“There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.” L. M. Boyd
Peter Ustinov on Money
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Marshall McLuhan’s Funny Quote
“I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.” Marshall McLuhan Canadian author, educator, & philosopher (1911 – 1980)
Jay Leno Cynical Quote
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.” Jay Leno US comedian & television host (1950 – )
Oscar Wilde on Truth
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
E. V. Lucas on Tardiness
“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” E. V. Lucas
Philip Johnson on Architecture
“Architecture is the art of how to waste space.” Philip Johnson US architect (1906 – 2005)
Mark Twain on Life
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author (1835 – 1910)
Blore’s Razor
“Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.” Blore’s Razor
Gordon R. Dickson on Advice
“Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.” Gordon R. Dickson
E. B. White on Planning
“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.” E. B. White US author & humorist (1899 – 1985)
Louise Beal on Society
“Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.” Louise Beal
Fran Lebowitz on Success
“Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.” Fran Lebowitz US writer and humorist (1950 – )
Jerome K. Jerome on Work
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome, “Three Men in a Boat”, 1889 British humor writer (1859 – 1927)
Frank Wilczek on Physics
“In physics, you don’t have to go around making trouble for yourself – nature does it for you.” Frank Wilczek American physicist (1951 – )
John Ciardi on Politics
“The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.” John Ciardi US poet (1916 – 1986)
Laurence J. Peter on Clutter
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” Laurence J. Peter US educator & writer (1919 – 1988)
George Carlin on Freedom
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Arthur Schopenhauer Cynical Quote
“Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.” Arthur Schopenhauer German philosopher (1788 – 1860)
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)