Funny
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Groucho Marx on Books
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 – 1977)
Rita Rudner Funny Quote
“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.” Rita Rudner US comedian
Alice Roosevelt Longworth on Youth
“The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth US author & wit (1884 – 1980)
Oscar Wilde on Business
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1892 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Salvador Dali on Sanity
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.” Salvador Dali Spanish Catalan Surrealist painter (1904 – 1989)
Anonymous on Power
“All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.” Unknown
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Johnny Carson on Politics
“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” Johnny Carson US comedian & television host (1925 – 2005)
Jean Giraudoux on Mediocrity
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” Jean Giraudoux French diplomat, dramatist, & novelist (1882 – 1944)
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Harlan Ellison’s Funny Quote
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison US science fiction author & screenwriter (1934 – )
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.” Scott Adams
Charles Kuralt on Travel
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” Charles Kuralt
Abraham Lincoln on Tact
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 – 1865)
Herb Caen on the Past
“I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.” Herb Caen
Robert Frost on Work
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost US poet (1874 – 1963)
Putt’s Law
“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.” Archibald Putt
An English Professor on Writing
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” An English Professor, Ohio University
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.” Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), “Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince” US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Michel de Montaigne on Silliness
“No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.” Michel de Montaigne French essayist (1533 – 1592)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
Elbert Hubbard on Journalism
“Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Mark Twain on Lies
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous
Howard Scott on Business
“Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Howard Scott (1926 – )
Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield US actor & comedian (1921 – 2004)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Demetri Martin Funny Quote
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Ronald Reagan on Government
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Dan Rather on Americans
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.” Dan Rather US television newscaster (1931 – )
Socrates on Marriage
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates
Randall Jarrell on Children
“One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.” Randall Jarrell US author & poet (1914 – 1965)
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Woody Allen on the Universe
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )