Funny
Amanda Cross on Quotations
“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.”
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.”
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Television
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.”
E. V. Lucas on Tardiness
“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”
Robert Louis Stevenson on Life
“Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.”
Willie Tyler on Lightning
“The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.”
Woody Allen on Life
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
Janet Long on Sanity
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.”
Mark Twain on Arguments
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
Thomas Szasz Cynical Quote
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
Sir William Preece on the Telephone
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.”
Fran Lebowitz on Success
“Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.”
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.”
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.”
Bill Watterson on Intelligent Life
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
Laurence J. Peter on Clutter
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?”
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
George Carlin on Freedom
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
Nancy Astor on Money
“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.”
Mark Twain on Education
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.”
Elbert Hubbard on Vacations
“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.”
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
Johnny Carson on Politics
“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”