Funny
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)
Mark Twain on Lies
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain
Demetri Martin Funny Quote
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
Lewis Thomas on Language
“The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.” Lewis Thomas US author, biologist, physician (1913 – 1993)
Ellen Goodman on Journalism
“In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.” Ellen Goodman American journalist (1941 – )
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Randall Jarrell on Children
“One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.” Randall Jarrell US author & poet (1914 – 1965)
T. S. Eliot on Humor
“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.” T. S. Eliot British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet (1888 – 1965)
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield US actor & comedian (1921 – 2004)
Sir Alec Issigonis Funny Quote
“A camel is a horse designed by a committee” Sir Alec Issigonis
Ronald Reagan on Government
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Dan Rather on Americans
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.” Dan Rather US television newscaster (1931 – )
William S. Burroughs on Politics and Science Fiction
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’ “ William S. Burroughs US author (1914 – 1997)
Woody Allen on the Universe
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
Janet Long on Sanity
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.” Janet Long
Socrates on Marriage
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates
Ambrose Bierce on Acquaintances
“Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary US author & satirist (1842 – 1914)
Willie Tyler on Lightning
“The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.” Willie Tyler
Mogens Jallberg on Democracy vs. Feudalism
“In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.” Mogens Jallberg
Rita Mae Brown on Computer Dating
“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.” Rita Mae Brown US author and social activist
Charlie Chaplin on Laughter
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charlie Chaplin
Woody Allen on Death
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Intellectuals
“An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
Samuel Goldwyn on Writing
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” Samuel Goldwyn US (Polish-born) movie producer (1882 – 1974)
Leo J. Burke on Children
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” Leo J. Burke
Caskie Stinnett on Diplomacy
“A diplomat… is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” Caskie Stinnett, Out of the Red (1960)
Hodding Carter on Television
“Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.” Hodding Carter
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde
Bob Wells on Government
“For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.” Bob Wells
Daniel J. Boorstin on Greatness
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.” Daniel J. Boorstin US historian (1914 – )
Robert X. Cringely on Technology
“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
Aristotle on Humor
“Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.” Aristotle Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC – 322 BC)
Evan Esar on Conscience
“Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.” Evan Esar American Humorist (1899 – 1995)
Samuel Goldwyn on Movies
“A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.” Samuel Goldwyn
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Television
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
Amanda Cross on Quotations
“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” Amanda Cross US mystery novelist (1926 – 2003)
Ronald Reagan on Economy
“The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Voltaire on Boredom
“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” Voltaire, Discours en vers sur l’homme, 1737 French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Olin Miller Cynical Quote
“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” Olin Miller
Eric Hoffer on Freedom
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” Eric Hoffer (1902 – 1983)
Dave Barry on Sports
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.” Dave Barry
Ogden Nash on Dogs
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.” Ogden Nash US humorist & poet (1902 – 1971)
Sir William Preece on the Telephone
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” Sir William Preece Chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876