Funny
Laurence J. Peter on Clutter
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” Laurence J. Peter US educator & writer (1919 – 1988)
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
George Carlin on Freedom
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Oscar Wilde on Knowledge
“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Edmond de Goncourt on Art
“A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.” Edmond de Goncourt French artist & novelist (1822 – 1896)
John Ciardi on Politics
“The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.” John Ciardi US poet (1916 – 1986)
Johnny Carson on Politics
“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” Johnny Carson US comedian & television host (1925 – 2005)
Jerome K. Jerome on Work
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome, “Three Men in a Boat”, 1889 British humor writer (1859 – 1927)
Samuel Johnson Funny Quote
“Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.” Samuel Johnson English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Peter Ustinov on Humor
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Gordon R. Dickson on Advice
“Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.” Gordon R. Dickson
Arthur Schopenhauer Cynical Quote
“Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.” Arthur Schopenhauer German philosopher (1788 – 1860)
Mark Twain Cynical Quote on Politics
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Frank Wilczek on Physics
“In physics, you don’t have to go around making trouble for yourself – nature does it for you.” Frank Wilczek American physicist (1951 – )
Robert Copeland on Committees
“To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.” Robert Copeland
Louise Beal on Society
“Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.” Louise Beal
Jeffery F. Chamberlain on America
“In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.” Jeffery F. Chamberlain
Charles De Gaulle on Politics
“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?” Charles De Gaulle, in “Les Mots du General”, 1962 French general & politician (1890 – 1970)
Gian Vincenzo Gravina Cynical Quote
“A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” Gian Vincenzo Gravina (1664 – 1718)
Fran Lebowitz on Success
“Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.” Fran Lebowitz US writer and humorist (1950 – )
Jean Giraudoux on Mediocrity
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” Jean Giraudoux French diplomat, dramatist, & novelist (1882 – 1944)
Mark Twain on Arguments
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain
Bob Hope on Money
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope
Will Rogers on Doctors
“The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.” Alfred North Whitehead English mathematician & philosopher (1861 – 1947)
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.” Scott Adams
Mark Twain on Education
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” Mark Twain
Groucho Marx on Books
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 – 1977)
Gilbert K. Chesterton on Journalism
“Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.” Gilbert K. Chesterton English author & mystery novelist (1874 – 1936)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain
Salvador Dali on Sanity
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.” Salvador Dali Spanish Catalan Surrealist painter (1904 – 1989)
Rita Rudner Funny Quote
“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.” Rita Rudner US comedian
Robert Frost on Work
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost US poet (1874 – 1963)
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous
Cullen Hightower on Knowledge
“Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.” Cullen Hightower
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones
Putt’s Law
“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.” Archibald Putt
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Charles Kuralt on Travel
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” Charles Kuralt
Howard Scott on Business
“Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Howard Scott (1926 – )
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Alice Roosevelt Longworth on Youth
“The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth US author & wit (1884 – 1980)
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)