Funny
Virgil Thomson on Music
“The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish.” Virgil Thomson US composer, conductor, & music critic (1896 – 1989)
Dave Barry on Argument
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.” Dave Barry US columnist & humorist (1947 – )
Bill Watterson on Intelligent Life
“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes US cartoonist (1958 – )
A. A. Milne on Disorder
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” A. A. Milne English juvenile author (1882 – 1956)
L. M. Boyd Cynical Quote
“There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.” L. M. Boyd
Peter Ustinov on Money
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Marshall McLuhan’s Funny Quote
“I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.” Marshall McLuhan Canadian author, educator, & philosopher (1911 – 1980)
Jay Leno Cynical Quote
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.” Jay Leno US comedian & television host (1950 – )
Oscar Wilde on Truth
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
E. B. White on Planning
“I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.” E. B. White US author & humorist (1899 – 1985)
Elbert Hubbard on Journalism
“Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Oscar Wilde on Business
“My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1892 Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Robert Benchley on Quotations
“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.” Robert Benchley US actor, author, & humorist (1889 – 1945)
Anonymous on Power
“All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.” Unknown
Blore’s Razor
“Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.” Blore’s Razor
E. V. Lucas on Tardiness
“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” E. V. Lucas
Philip Johnson on Architecture
“Architecture is the art of how to waste space.” Philip Johnson US architect (1906 – 2005)
Helen Rowland on Marriage
“One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” Helen Rowland (1876 – 1950)
Mark Twain on Life
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author (1835 – 1910)
Laurence J. Peter on Clutter
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” Laurence J. Peter US educator & writer (1919 – 1988)
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
George Carlin on Freedom
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Oscar Wilde on Knowledge
“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Edmond de Goncourt on Art
“A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.” Edmond de Goncourt French artist & novelist (1822 – 1896)
John Ciardi on Politics
“The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.” John Ciardi US poet (1916 – 1986)
Johnny Carson on Politics
“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” Johnny Carson US comedian & television host (1925 – 2005)
Jerome K. Jerome on Work
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome, “Three Men in a Boat”, 1889 British humor writer (1859 – 1927)
Samuel Johnson Funny Quote
“Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.” Samuel Johnson English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Peter Ustinov on Humor
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Gordon R. Dickson on Advice
“Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.” Gordon R. Dickson
Arthur Schopenhauer Cynical Quote
“Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.” Arthur Schopenhauer German philosopher (1788 – 1860)
Mark Twain Cynical Quote on Politics
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Frank Wilczek on Physics
“In physics, you don’t have to go around making trouble for yourself – nature does it for you.” Frank Wilczek American physicist (1951 – )
Robert Copeland on Committees
“To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.” Robert Copeland
Louise Beal on Society
“Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.” Louise Beal
Jeffery F. Chamberlain on America
“In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.” Jeffery F. Chamberlain
Charles De Gaulle on Politics
“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?” Charles De Gaulle, in “Les Mots du General”, 1962 French general & politician (1890 – 1970)
Gian Vincenzo Gravina Cynical Quote
“A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” Gian Vincenzo Gravina (1664 – 1718)
Fran Lebowitz on Success
“Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.” Fran Lebowitz US writer and humorist (1950 – )
Jean Giraudoux on Mediocrity
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.” Jean Giraudoux French diplomat, dramatist, & novelist (1882 – 1944)
Mark Twain on Arguments
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain
Bob Hope on Money
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope
Will Rogers on Doctors
“The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.” Alfred North Whitehead English mathematician & philosopher (1861 – 1947)
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.” Scott Adams
Mark Twain on Education
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” Mark Twain
Groucho Marx on Books
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 – 1977)
Gilbert K. Chesterton on Journalism
“Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.” Gilbert K. Chesterton English author & mystery novelist (1874 – 1936)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain