Funny
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.” Alfred North Whitehead English mathematician & philosopher (1861 – 1947)
Scott Adams on Business
“Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.” Scott Adams
Mark Twain on Education
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” Mark Twain
Groucho Marx on Books
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 – 1977)
Gilbert K. Chesterton on Journalism
“Journalism largely consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is Dead’ to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.” Gilbert K. Chesterton English author & mystery novelist (1874 – 1936)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain
Salvador Dali on Sanity
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.” Salvador Dali Spanish Catalan Surrealist painter (1904 – 1989)
Rita Rudner Funny Quote
“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.” Rita Rudner US comedian
Robert Frost on Work
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” Robert Frost US poet (1874 – 1963)
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous
Cullen Hightower on Knowledge
“Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.” Cullen Hightower
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Franklin P. Jones on Punctuality
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” Franklin P. Jones
Putt’s Law
“Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.” Archibald Putt
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Charles Kuralt on Travel
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” Charles Kuralt
Howard Scott on Business
“Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Howard Scott (1926 – )
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Alice Roosevelt Longworth on Youth
“The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth US author & wit (1884 – 1980)
Samuel Johnson on Writing
“Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” Samuel Johnson, (attributed) English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 – 1784)
Thomas Pickering on Archaeology vs. Diplomacy
“In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.” Thomas Pickering US diplomat (1931 – )
Robert W. Sarnoff on Finance
“Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.” Robert W. Sarnoff
Edgar Bergen on Work
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy) US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 – 1978)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Herb Caen on the Past
“I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.” Herb Caen
Fred Allen on Hollywood
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 – 1956)
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Abraham Lincoln on Tact
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Abraham Lincoln 16th president of US (1809 – 1865)
Harlan Ellison’s Funny Quote
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison US science fiction author & screenwriter (1934 – )
An English Professor on Writing
“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” An English Professor, Ohio University
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.” Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), “Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince” US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Michel de Montaigne on Silliness
“No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.” Michel de Montaigne French essayist (1533 – 1592)
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)
Mark Twain on Lies
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain
Demetri Martin Funny Quote
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
Lewis Thomas on Language
“The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.” Lewis Thomas US author, biologist, physician (1913 – 1993)
Ellen Goodman on Journalism
“In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.” Ellen Goodman American journalist (1941 – )
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Randall Jarrell on Children
“One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.” Randall Jarrell US author & poet (1914 – 1965)
T. S. Eliot on Humor
“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.” T. S. Eliot British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet (1888 – 1965)
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)