Funny
Leo J. Burke on Children
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” Leo J. Burke
Robert X. Cringely on Technology
“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
Aristotle on Humor
“Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.” Aristotle Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC – 322 BC)
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde
Caskie Stinnett on Diplomacy
“A diplomat… is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” Caskie Stinnett, Out of the Red (1960)
Evan Esar on Conscience
“Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.” Evan Esar American Humorist (1899 – 1995)
Samuel Goldwyn on Movies
“A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.” Samuel Goldwyn
Bob Wells on Government
“For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.” Bob Wells
Ambrose Bierce on Acquaintances
“Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary US author & satirist (1842 – 1914)
Willie Tyler on Lightning
“The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.” Willie Tyler
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Television
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
Olin Miller Cynical Quote
“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” Olin Miller
Hodding Carter on Television
“Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.” Hodding Carter
Voltaire on Boredom
“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” Voltaire, Discours en vers sur l’homme, 1737 French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Ronald Reagan on Economy
“The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Eric Hoffer on Freedom
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” Eric Hoffer (1902 – 1983)
Oscar Wilde on Knowledge
“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.” Oscar Wilde Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 – 1900)
Amanda Cross on Quotations
“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” Amanda Cross US mystery novelist (1926 – 2003)
Sir William Preece on the Telephone
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” Sir William Preece Chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876
Dave Barry on Sports
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.” Dave Barry
Lyndon B. Johnson on Politics
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read ‘President Can’t Swim’.” Lyndon B. Johnson 36th president of US (1908 – 1973)
Peter Ustinov on Humor
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” Peter Ustinov English actor & author (1921 – 2004)
Ogden Nash on Dogs
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.” Ogden Nash US humorist & poet (1902 – 1971)
Doug Larson on Language
“If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” Doug Larson
Robert Benchley on Humor
“Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.” Robert Benchley US actor, author, & humorist (1889 – 1945)
Barry LePatner on Experience
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” Barry LePatner
Elbert Hubbard on Vacations
“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
George Orwell on Writing
“In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.” George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language”, 1946 English essayist, novelist, & satirist (1903 – 1950)
Nancy Astor on Money
“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.” Nancy Astor British politician (1879 – 1964)
Robert Heinlein on Progress
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love US science fiction author (1907 – 1988)
Robert Copeland on Committees
“To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.” Robert Copeland
Will Rogers on Doctors
“The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
George Carlin on Freedom
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Arnold Schwarzenegger on Movies
“I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun” Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Robert Bakker on Taxes
“I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.” Robert Bakker, paleontologist
John Sladek on the Future
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.” John Sladek
Alfred Hitchcock on Media
“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.” Alfred Hitchcock British movie director (1899 – 1980)
Mark Twain on Procrastination
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Alfred North Whitehead on Dogs and Cats
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.” Alfred North Whitehead English mathematician & philosopher (1861 – 1947)
Jules Renard on Literature
“Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.” Jules Renard (1864 – 1910)
Laurence J. Peter on Clutter
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” Laurence J. Peter US educator & writer (1919 – 1988)
Bob Hope on Money
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope
Robert Louis Stevenson on Life
“Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” Robert Louis Stevenson Scottish author (1850 – 1894)
Cullen Hightower on Mistakes
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” Cullen Hightower
Harry S. Truman on Economy
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” Harry S. Truman, in Observer, April 13, 1958 33rd president of US (1884 – 1972)
Leo Rosten on Happiness
“Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.” Leo Rosten US (Polish-born) author (1908 – 1997)
Mark Twain on Arguments
“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain
Voltaire on Songs
“Anything too stupid to be said is sung.” Voltaire French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Woody Allen on Life
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )