Funny
Michel de Montaigne on Silliness
“No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.” Michel de Montaigne French essayist (1533 – 1592)
Mark Twain on Work
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” Mark Twain
Arthur C. Clarke on Science Fiction
“Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.” Arthur C. Clarke English physicist & science fiction author (1917 – 2008)
Will Rogers on Ignorance
“You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” Will Rogers, New York Times Aug. 31 1924 US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Euripides on Foolishness
“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” Euripides Greek tragic dramatist (484 BC – 406 BC)
Honoré de Balzac on Marriage
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Honoré de Balzac
De La Lastra’s Law
“After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.” De La Lastra’s Law
Edward R. Murrow on TV
“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” Edward R. Murrow US broadcast journalist & newscaster (1908 – 1965)
Richard Brinsley Sheridan on Imagination
“He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan Irish dramatist & politician (1751 – 1816)
Elbert Hubbard on Journalism
“Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Mark Twain on Lies
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Mark Twain
Anonymous on Politics
“Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.” Anonymous
Howard Scott on Business
“Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.” Howard Scott (1926 – )
Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield US actor & comedian (1921 – 2004)
H. L. Mencken on Humanity
“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.” H. L. Mencken US editor (1880 – 1956)
George Carlin on Nature
“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” George Carlin US comedian and actor (1937 – 2008)
Don Marquis on Procrastination
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” Don Marquis US humorist (1878 – 1937)
Francois de La Rochefoucauld on Agreement
“We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678) French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Demetri Martin Funny Quote
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
Lewis Carroll on Memory
“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” Lewis Carroll English author & recreational mathematician (1832 – 1898)
Ronald Reagan on Government
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Dan Rather on Americans
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.” Dan Rather US television newscaster (1931 – )
Socrates on Marriage
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates
Randall Jarrell on Children
“One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child.” Randall Jarrell US author & poet (1914 – 1965)
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Margaret Thatcher on Politics
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples money.” Margaret Thatcher
Woody Allen on the Universe
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
William S. Burroughs on Politics and Science Fiction
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’ “ William S. Burroughs US author (1914 – 1997)
Fred Allen on Hollywood
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 – 1956)
Ronald Reagan on Politics
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Ellen Goodman on Journalism
“In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.” Ellen Goodman American journalist (1941 – )
Sir Alec Issigonis Funny Quote
“A camel is a horse designed by a committee” Sir Alec Issigonis
Mogens Jallberg on Democracy vs. Feudalism
“In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.” Mogens Jallberg
Samuel Goldwyn on Writing
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” Samuel Goldwyn US (Polish-born) movie producer (1882 – 1974)
Charlie Chaplin on Laughter
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charlie Chaplin
Rita Mae Brown on Computer Dating
“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.” Rita Mae Brown US author and social activist
Janet Long on Sanity
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.” Janet Long
Lewis Thomas on Language
“The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand.” Lewis Thomas US author, biologist, physician (1913 – 1993)
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Intellectuals
“An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
T. S. Eliot on Humor
“Humor is also a way of saying something serious.” T. S. Eliot British (US-born) critic, dramatist & poet (1888 – 1965)
Woody Allen on Death
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
Daniel J. Boorstin on Greatness
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.” Daniel J. Boorstin US historian (1914 – )
Leo J. Burke on Children
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” Leo J. Burke
Robert X. Cringely on Technology
“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
Aristotle on Humor
“Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.” Aristotle Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC – 322 BC)
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde
Caskie Stinnett on Diplomacy
“A diplomat… is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” Caskie Stinnett, Out of the Red (1960)
Evan Esar on Conscience
“Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.” Evan Esar American Humorist (1899 – 1995)
Samuel Goldwyn on Movies
“A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.” Samuel Goldwyn
Bob Wells on Government
“For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.” Bob Wells