Funny
Thomas A. Edison on Failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas A. Edison, (attributed) US inventor (1847 – 1931)
Rodney Dangerfield on Marriage
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield US actor & comedian (1921 – 2004)
Sir Alec Issigonis Funny Quote
“A camel is a horse designed by a committee” Sir Alec Issigonis
Ronald Reagan on Government
“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Dan Rather on Americans
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.” Dan Rather US television newscaster (1931 – )
William S. Burroughs on Politics and Science Fiction
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’ “ William S. Burroughs US author (1914 – 1997)
Woody Allen on the Universe
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
Janet Long on Sanity
“Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.” Janet Long
Socrates on Marriage
“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates
Willie Tyler on Lightning
“The reason lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn’t there the second time.” Willie Tyler
Ambrose Bierce on Acquaintances
“Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary US author & satirist (1842 – 1914)
Mogens Jallberg on Democracy vs. Feudalism
“In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.” Mogens Jallberg
Rita Mae Brown on Computer Dating
“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.” Rita Mae Brown US author and social activist
Charlie Chaplin on Laughter
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charlie Chaplin
Woody Allen on Death
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Intellectuals
“An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
Samuel Goldwyn on Writing
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” Samuel Goldwyn US (Polish-born) movie producer (1882 – 1974)
Leo J. Burke on Children
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” Leo J. Burke
Caskie Stinnett on Diplomacy
“A diplomat… is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” Caskie Stinnett, Out of the Red (1960)
Hodding Carter on Television
“Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.” Hodding Carter
Oscar Wilde Cynical Quote
“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde
Bob Wells on Government
“For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.” Bob Wells
Robert X. Cringely on Technology
“If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine
Daniel J. Boorstin on Greatness
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.” Daniel J. Boorstin US historian (1914 – )
Aristotle on Humor
“Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.” Aristotle Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC – 322 BC)
Evan Esar on Conscience
“Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.” Evan Esar American Humorist (1899 – 1995)
Samuel Goldwyn on Movies
“A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.” Samuel Goldwyn
Dwight D. Eisenhower on Television
“I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th president of US 1953-1961 (1890 – 1969)
Amanda Cross on Quotations
“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” Amanda Cross US mystery novelist (1926 – 2003)
Ronald Reagan on Economy
“The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” Ronald Reagan 40th president of US (1911 – 2004)
Voltaire on Boredom
“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.” Voltaire, Discours en vers sur l’homme, 1737 French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Olin Miller Cynical Quote
“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” Olin Miller
Eric Hoffer on Freedom
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” Eric Hoffer (1902 – 1983)
Dave Barry on Sports
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.” Dave Barry
Sir William Preece on the Telephone
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” Sir William Preece Chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876
Ogden Nash on Dogs
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.” Ogden Nash US humorist & poet (1902 – 1971)
Lyndon B. Johnson on Politics
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read ‘President Can’t Swim’.” Lyndon B. Johnson 36th president of US (1908 – 1973)
Doug Larson on Language
“If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” Doug Larson
Elbert Hubbard on Vacations
“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” Elbert Hubbard US author (1856 – 1915)
Robert Benchley on Humor
“Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.” Robert Benchley US actor, author, & humorist (1889 – 1945)
Barry LePatner on Experience
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” Barry LePatner
Nancy Astor on Money
“The only thing I like about rich people is their money.” Nancy Astor British politician (1879 – 1964)
George Orwell on Writing
“In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.” George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language”, 1946 English essayist, novelist, & satirist (1903 – 1950)
Robert Heinlein on Progress
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love US science fiction author (1907 – 1988)
Robert Bakker on Taxes
“I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.” Robert Bakker, paleontologist
Arnold Schwarzenegger on Movies
“I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun” Arnold Schwarzenegger
John Sladek on the Future
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.” John Sladek
Mark Twain on Procrastination
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” Mark Twain US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
Jules Renard on Literature
“Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.” Jules Renard (1864 – 1910)
Robert Louis Stevenson on Life
“Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” Robert Louis Stevenson Scottish author (1850 – 1894)
Cullen Hightower on Mistakes
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” Cullen Hightower
Harry S. Truman on Economy
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” Harry S. Truman, in Observer, April 13, 1958 33rd president of US (1884 – 1972)
Leo Rosten on Happiness
“Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.” Leo Rosten US (Polish-born) author (1908 – 1997)
Woody Allen on Life
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” Woody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 – )
Voltaire on Songs
“Anything too stupid to be said is sung.” Voltaire French author, humanist, rationalist, & satirist (1694 – 1778)
Thomas Szasz Cynical Quote
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) “Social Relations”
Will Rogers Cynical Quote
“We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.” Will Rogers US humorist & showman (1879 – 1935)
Sam Levenson on Wisdom
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)
Bob Hope on Sports
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” Bob Hope US (English-born) actor & comedian (1903 – 2003)
Ambrose Bierce Cynical Quote
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary US author & satirist (1842 – 1914)